I remember before I had kids, I considered myself quite crafty. Over the winter break, Jason and I were doing some cleaning out of the basement I came upon my HUGE craft bin. I had forgotten how much stuff I had. I was quite skilled in the arts of making lip balm, soap, bath salts and candles. This was before Pinterest, people. I had mad skillz. Every year in the fall, I would start planning what my home made gift would be that year for my female family members. I remember my delight at receiving the Martha Stewart Alphabet Soap Molds one year - I made initial soaps for everyone infused with lavender, chamomile, and other delightful fragrant herbs. I had so many bottles of essential oils and fragrances. When I opened up that bin in December, I was kind of grossed out at how things just didn't look so good anymore and I had to get rid of a lot of it.
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Photoshop fun - Angel Caroline, fall 2004 |
But then I had another kid and my free time became virtually non-existent. I still hunker down each November and get the calendars done for the grandmothers because I know how much they love them and quite honestly, I do enjoy doing them. I can't just upload my photos into a calendar layout - I use digital scrapping elements and create my own designs and layouts because I just can't let go of that, for goodness sake! It takes a lot more time but I'm always happy with the finished product.
Other than that though, I feel like that's all that I do anymore that's creative. My head is always filled with all the different things I'm juggling between the kids, work, the house, oh yeah and I have a husband too who is often neglected (but that's a whole other post). But I AM trying to find some time for myself. I've recently resumed reading again and thanks to my Kindle (and Jason), I now read at bedtime. I've also gotten back into my 5:30am workouts that I had been so religious about for a year and then slacked off for a few months - I feel so much better as a result even if dragging my butt out of bed at 5:30am SUCKS. (But when I'm done at 6:15, I feel like I've already accomplished something.)
Although reading and exercising aren't exactly creative. I just feel like I've lost my mojo on some level. That my desire to be creative and express myself are gone. Or maybe it's just that my energy/spark is lost but I keep telling myself it will return. I look at my mom who goes to the gym, takes pottery classes and keeps herself looking great. I know she certainly wasn't able to do much of that when she was my age with three kids. I know that I'd like to become a better photographer, although who will I take photos of if my kids are grown up? Will I even want to take photos of anyone other than my kids? Not so much. Ha!
I don't say these things with any kind of lament for the way my life is. I'm happy with all that I have on my plate and love my children even for all the energy they require, it's just that I'm realizing that sometimes when I feel a longing for part of the person I used to be. In some way it's a lightheartedness and whimsy that was only possible (for me) before having kids. I know it will change as the children get older and I'll long for these days but I guess that is when I will fill the void with more things for myself.
It's funny how life works sometimes.
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